Thursday, June 5, 2014

Stream of Consciousness

Speak what we feel, not what we ought to say.  
-  William Shakespeare, King Lear

I am part of a blog challenge at The Daily Post.  A couple of days ago we were challenged to write a stream of consciousness for fifteen  minutes and publish it.  These were my thoughts. 

Judge me if you must...

Loss. Write about it.  Lately it is all I have written about it.  A lot. 

Who knows what others are going to think if all I write about is him.  I have been stuck.  The inspiration isn't there lately because I don't want to continue to write about my ex but he is on my mind more lately than I would like to admit.  Seriously.  I have posted pictures of the activities that I still showed up for, this weekend, all the while, I was thinking about him.  3000 miles away. And why?

What will others think about me if I keep harping on this subject that is old, even for me?  But life is full of disappointments and things and people that I can not change and will not change no matter what I do.  I don't know lately; it still hurts. 

Learning that he left San Diego kicked up expectations that I didn't even realize I had.  Hidden hopes that secretly held on.

How can I get past this pain if I cannot write about it?   This blog is about showing up and I guess today I miss sharing my life with him. 

Or is this just another tale of woe that I refuse to let go of? 

Something that proves I am so unwilling to allow myself happiness unless I have some pain and dis-ease to ground my story in?

I need to be honest with myself...things ARE good.  So many exciting things are happening and I am allowing ONE interaction to discount all that?  

Is my ex boyfriend the designated pain I assign to myself in case things get too good?

Does anyone else do this?


2 comments :

  1. I would say yes. People become colder, hardened, or find peace with the emotional attachment. Yet the memories always remain. I suggest the song 'the song remembers when."

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  2. I will check the song out Elaine. Thanks!

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