Sunday, June 8, 2014

Don't Go Back To Sleep*

During the last few days, I have wanted to go back to sleep.  The tremendous energy it takes to stay awake during a time of heartbreak can feel overwhelming.  The strength it has taken to face my fears in the mist of rejection have me feeling worn out.  These are the days that all the responsibilities I've taken on terrify me.

The breeze at dawn has secrets to tell you.
Don't go back to sleep.
You must ask for what you really want.
Don't go back to sleep.
People are going back and forth across the doorsill
where the two worlds touch.
The door is round and open.
Don't go back to sleep.

The voices whisper, 'you can't pull off tomorrow what you've pulled off today.  Run and hide before you fail like you always do.  What if they find out who you really are?  They will see that you don't belong here.'  On the days that I entertain these guests, it isn't long until my day becomes very dark.  In the darkness, my path isn't clear.

In the middle of the journey of our life
I found myself within a dark woods
Where the straight way was lost.

And yet,  I've remained awake.  And I've discovered that it is in these dark places that forgotten qualities are uncovered.

For instance, I sent in a few blog entries to The San Diego Reader, a weekly local news magazine.  Would you believe the San Diego Reader, Blog Diego, section, is going to pay me to publish two consecutive weeks showcasing six edited posts from my blog.

When you do something from your soul, 
you feel a river moving in you, a joy.

My son was the first person I told.

I haven't always been the best mom to my son.   I've made a lot of mistakes and I've caused a lot of pain, to my son, his father and myself.  Addiction, depression and selfishness tend to be consuming; they isolate me from anyone who tries to love me.  I'm sick and tired of filling my inner emptiness with drugs and unhealthy relationships.

I strongly believe that something has called me into the woods where the straight path has vanished and there is no turning back; my only way out is going through.  It's in the darkness that I am going to retrieve my hidden self.  It is in the woods where I am going to learn my lessons.  I've been broken open by addiction, heartache, and loneliness.  My time has come to turn around and face the change my soul insists upon.

In the difficult are the friendly forces,
the hands that work on us.
-Rainer Maria Rilke

Remaining awake isn't only for me.  This journey is also to lay a path for my boy, when he, too, is called upon by friendly forces, to go into the dark woods.  I will share with him about the time I thought my life fell apart and all the wisdom I found in the shards of my broken identity.  I will share my stories of how I got over the bumps and detours in the road.  I will comfort him about the confusion the friendly forces bring and tell him that I, too, wanted to go back to sleep, but I remained awake so that I could, with certainty, tell him everything IS going to be okay.

*Title taken from the Rumi poem above.

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